Ask R.L. Wynder


I haven’t had an entry in ask R.L. Wynder in a while and when I get these I try my hardest to respond as soon as a I can.  One of my most dedicated readers sent me a question about a week ago and I’ve just been so busy and haven’t been able to respond until now.  I’m just happy that he feels comfortable enough to entrust me and my readers with his issue.  So here’s his situation……

I’m going to call him Mr. Notgettingany…..well Mr. Notgettingany is having issues with his marriage and I guess you can figure out why, because he’s not getting any! I’m always iffy on giving married people advice because I’m not married and I feel like I’m not in the position to give advice on to married people, but I think I can help with this one.  I’ve touched on this subject before but not in this light.  Basically, Mr. Notgettingany’s wife is keeping the pussy away from him because of his financial situation.  The marriage was already in trouble due to the finances and now she’s created more problems on top of that by with holding sex.

First off I believe when married couples go through problems, they forget FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE & WHAT’S MINE IS OURS.  I know it can be frustrating when someone looses their job or find it hard to find a job.  But if you’re able to still pay the bills and eat without the other’s help, so what? That’s what you have to do because sometimes shit happens and you have to pick up the slack.  BUT if the other person is a dead beat and just doesn’t want to get a job then that’s a totally different situation.  I would probably feel some type of way.  I have a feeling that Mr. Notgettingany isn’t that type of  man.

As mentioned in a previous entry, as a woman, I do not believe in withholding sex from my man let alone my husband.  Partly because I’ll be punishing myself, but the other part is because it doesn’t solve anything.  If I feel like having sex with you disgusts me, or irritates me I don’t need to be with you.  If a person ever feels like that, there is a serious problem in the relationship.

The number one reason why people divorce is because of infidelity and a lot of times men cheat because they aren’t getting what they need at home. Let me also remind you that most women want sex just as much as any man so if she doesn’t have a plethora of sex toys at home she may just be getting it from someone else.  OR (Because I don’t want to start anything), she may be that small % of women who don’t need or want sex that often.  It’ll be very hard for me to turn down the man I’m with even if I’m mad at him.  If she doesn’t want to have sex with you, the issues may be a little deeper than finances and that can just be her excuse.  Why did she marry you?  Because I’m pretty sure when you got married it said for RICHER OR FOR POORER and this is exactly one of those cases.

I suggest that you and your wife seriously sit down and have a conversation.  Pray on your relationship, ask God to help you get over this obstacle.  Because sometimes God does things to test your faith.  I would also suggest counseling as well but I know that costs money and one of the problems is finances.  If you have health insurance look into that because a lot of health plans cover a couple of sessions.  Good Luck, Mr. Notgettingany!

If you’re married or been through this situation before, please leave a comment to help Mr. Notgetting any.


In today’s Ask R.L. Wynder we have a really sensitive topic.  It includes race  and two matters of the heart and the questions are…..What is more important? What should I do? and Can I live with my decision.  Read on for more.

Hey girl!

I have a topic for you not sure if you want to use it but one of my friends is going through this right now and I’m so sad for her. Okay so she is dating a white man and they’ve been together for I think 2 years now and she really wants kids but he does not want mixed children because he says they will have a rough life??? Sigh…. so she is all upset and talking about she will just have to be willing to sacrifice her happiness for her relationship because they really love each other… my thing is she will always want children so in my opinion she should move on and find someone who wants children as well not be depressed and living a lie smiling on the outside knowing you are screaming on the inside.

okay sorry for the vent but let me know if that is a good topic for your blog site oh love it by the way!


Dear DMA,

First off, I feel for your friend she’s in a really tough position.  All I can do is give my opinion because I know the decision she has to make must be difficult.   Ok now down to business (I’m going to call the guy Tom and the girl Amy).  I think Tom is full of shit.  That is just a horrible excuse for not wanting to have kids.  It’s not 1965, it’s 2010 he’s going to have to come up with a better excuse then “the kids will have a rough life.”

Times have changed, the world no longer see mix children and interracial couples as a huge taboo.  Not to mention our President is mixed.  Don’t get me wrong racism is very much alive and there are still ignorant people on this earth that are stuck  in the olden days.  Yes when the kids go to school they may get teased.  Why? Because they may look different.  But they wouldn’t get teased any more than the girl with the glasses and buck teeth, or boy who pees on himself during nap time.  That’s what children do, children tease one another.

What do the parents do?  I believe if the child is made in love no matter what color the parents may be then it’s all good.  There are facts that state that some bi-racial children have trouble identifying themselves.  I believe it’s the parent’s job to help their child be comfortable in their skin.   I believe that every single child in the US has a problem growing up in the world more so than a white kid.

One of my best friends I grew up with is mulatto and I think her parents did a wonderful job when it came to raising her and her brother.  I believe it’s natural for a child to identify themselves more so with one of the races.  But their parents didn’t make them choose and we grew up in a place with mostly white, black & mexican (I said that to say that they were surrounded by both sides or their race).  They both are more connected to their black side but they know and can identify with their white side.

To me mixed kids are cool, I think it’s great to be different.  I know it depends on where you raise them as well.  In NY its no problem everyone is different up here. In a place where it’s small and everyone has something to say, it’s a little more difficult.

My problem with Tom is that I believe he’s a coward.  If he loves Amy and is unwilling to give her kids because of her race (basically), than that’s a problem.  Maybe he doesn’t love her as much as she believes.  He didn’t say he didn’t want kids he said he didn’t want to have kids by a black woman.  Is he saying if she was his same race he would have kids?  That’s what it sounds like.

Do I believe Tom is a racist?  No, because obviously he’s with a black woman.  For some reason I believe he cares what people think even though he’s with a black woman.  I know he’s heard some comments or gotten some looks just for being with her but he’s gotten over it and worked through it because of the love.  So I don’t see why he can’t get through it with his kids.  I also don’t understand how he knows what the child may go through, he’s not mixed or I’m not sure if he’s ever been discriminated on because of his race.

As for Amy, she needs to ask herself what’s more important.  Being with Tom forever without having the kids she always wanted or leaving him to be with someone else who’s willing to give her children?  She will need to be able to live with whatever decision she makes.  She also should ask herself if she stays with Tom will she resent him? If so, she shouldn’t stay with him.

My advice to Amy is to go get some help, go to counseling with Tom.  Maybe he can see her point of view or vise-versa.  Having a mixed child is not the end of the world and they won’t be the first couple to have one.  Is Tom really thinking about the future of his mulatto children or is he being selfish?  What do you think guys?

I hope this helps!

R.L. Wynder


For our next entry in Ask R.L. Wynder it’s a very interesting question because it’s very common.  I told my friend JM that I’ll need to do some research on this particular topic but then I started doing my research and realized that this topic doesn’t need research……so here’s JM’s questions and my opinion.

Dear R.L,

I have been guilty of it myself! But why do men & women want what the cant have? And when they get it they dont want it?


Well JM.  I think we’re all guilty of this.  I believe the main reasons for this is the “fantasy factor.”  It’s almost like being in love with Halle Berry or Columbus Short.  They’re intangible to us and we would give anything to be with them……UNTIL, we actually get with them.  Your expectations for these people are so high that they can’t possibly meet your standards.  So you’re let down and then turned off.

It’s also a game a hunting game.  You know you can’t get this person so you do everything in your power to get them.  Once you get them the game is over now you’re bored and looking for new prey to hunt.

For the person(s) that don’t want you, maybe they did but as crazy as this might sound it can be a turn off for someone to not get the hint and still run down behind you like a lil puppy.  It makes you look weak and pathetic and no woman especially want a weak man (that’s another topic).

This is basically the gist of it.  Hopefully it gives you a lil more insight as to why we want what we can’t have.  Everyone’s reason is different.

R.L. Wynder


For my first entry in Ask R.L. Wynder I received an email from reader Bittersweet.  Bittersweet is looking for advice because like any man he’s interested in having a three-some so he’s come to me for advice.  Read his letter below and my response.

Hello Princess,

Hope all is well in the realm of Erotica and wonderland. I visited your blog and must say your are a precious delight. The reason for my email today is to see if you can help me sex issue. It is said to be every man’s fantasy to have a threesome preferably with two willing and supple females…Heeyyy have mercy good lord. I mean how would a inexperienced man like me introduce that as a entree of the erotic sort? Can you help? Can you guide me in fulfilling this fantasy in any way possible? Your advice is needed.

p.s. maybe it isn’t all that anyway if I haven’t had it by now?

Dear Bittersweet,

Your want and need to have a threesome is totally normal.  What man doesn’t want to have a threesome.  You didn’t mention in your letter if you have a girlfriend, mate, or a fuck buddy so I’ll give you advice on both scenarios.

If you do have a girlfriend I suggest you be upfront with her.  The heartbeat of a relationship is communication.  Sit her down and ask her what her thoughts are on having a threesome.  If she gets all crazy, drop it if not ease her in by watching a lil girl on girl action (porn).  After the porn, there are several things you can do next.  The two of you can both attend a bar or club that lesbians/bi-sexuals frequent and scope out a potential partner.  Or you can post on a classified or personal site such as Craigslist (CL) and post an ad (it sounds weird but check it out, you’ll be surprised at how many people actually post and get it popping through CL).

If you don’t have a partner and you’re looking for both of the women.  I suggest you first start off by finding one of the women.  Maybe an old girlfriend, close friend, or sex buddy.  Present her with the idea and follow the steps above.  You can also, just like above attend a popular bar/club where lesbian/bisexuals attend and search that way.  But I must warn you that’s a lil creepy for a woman, so do that at your own risk.  Again you can post on CL.

I honestly believe that a social site maybe your best bet.  Cruise on craigslist, see how you like it.  There are also posts on CL where two women look for men, so maybe you won’t have to do much looking.

The only problem I have with social sites is that you don’t know them and you have to be extremely careful.  I suggest that before you seal the deal on CL, the three of you should get tested for HIV and all STDs because there are STDs you can contract while wearing a condom.  I also suggest that this act be done in a hotel room and you voice verify for safety reasons.

Good Luck Bittersweet and I hope this helps.  Let me know how it all turns out!

R.L. Wynder

If you have any questions about Love, Relationships or Sex send an email to and your identity will be kept private.

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