Archive for September, 2010

Oral Sex Tutorial With Special Guest Host Adam Acosta, Head PhD

WARNING IF YOU’RE WATCHING AT WORK PLEASE PUT ON YOUR HEADPHONES!

PART I

PART II

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ART IMITATES LIFE SERIES

BREAKING ALL THE RULES

Today’s inspiration comes from the 2004 movie starring Jamie Foxx, Morris Chestnut & Gabrielle Union.  This movie wasn’t in my plans to be apart of the Art Imitates Life Series but it came on late one night on the Oxygen Network.  I actually, forgot all about this movie but in the first 20 minutes of watching it, I knew I had to include it in our special series.  Quincy Watson (Jamie Fox), was instructed to write a manual on firing employees the correct & sensitive way to prevent crazy folk from shooting up the office the next day. Before he could finish the manual his wife to be broke up with him in the worst way possible and that’s when he realized that breaking up with your partner and firing people are one in the same so he quit his job and wrote a book on “breaking up,” and sort of became a master in it.  Which brings us to today’s topic; The Break Up, The Good, The Bad & The Ooooogly!

THE BREAK UP

In my opinion there is no good way to break up, unless its a mutual decision and most of the time it’s not a mutual decision.  But you guys know me, I always try and keep an open mind and look at all sides of a situation.  Quincy’s man purpose with his book called “The Plan,” is to do it so well that you keep the other person away from you.  Because we all know when a break up isn’t mutual, the one who didn’t do the breaking up will be the one constantly calling and if the breaker upper isn’t mentally strong enough then he or she could possibly work their way back into the other person’s life.

The first thing Quincy suggests is that you do the breaking up at their house, so you can do the leaving.  I thought about it and that’s very smart, because let Tony come over here and break up with me I’m either going to react one or two ways.  I’m either going to be so angry I’m going to start throwing shit at you or I’m going to be so hurt I won’t be able to do anything but cry.  Either way the breaker upper won’t loose, I’ll be breaking up my own shit and if I cry I’ll be giving him an easy escape .

After that’s done, Quincy suggests you change your voicemail to the automated voice message (house or cell phone).  Why?  Because that person will be calling just to hear your voice and that keeps them attached to you just a little longer.  That makes sense, because a lot of times we do things for reasons we can’t understand and a lot of times it’s definitely subconscious.  I really don’t think this is an important factor to remember when it comes to breaking up, but I would remember it if you have a stalker on your hands.

Another thing that bugged the shit out of me that Evan Fields (Morris Chestnut) did, is that he sent Quincy out to pump up his girlfriend Nicky’s (Gabby) head about him because he was afraid of her breaking up with him all because he wanted to be the one to do it first.  The reason why it bugs the shit out of me is because I encounter men all the time who send their friends over to do their dirty work or to be their wingman.  What will happen is you won’t get the number and the wing man will get cursed out, HARD! It always back fires, just as it did that night with Quincy and Nicky.  Nicky obviously knew who Quincy was so she lied to him, told him a different name and she had a new hairstyle so Quincy had no idea that he was spilling his guts to his cousin Evan’s girlfriedn.  So men do your own dirt, don’t send your friends to do it for you.

THE GOOD

As I mentioned before there’s nothing good about a break up for the person that’s being broken up with, especially in their eyes at that time.  When you actually sit down and think about it, most of the time there are always warning signs that the relationship isn’t going so well.  According to Quincy’s book, when a person says “Baby, we need to talk;” that’s the beginning of a break up.  Besides those things, your interactions between your partner becomes different; you become more distant emotionally and physically (unless you’re blind to the fact and don’t want to notice it).  On rare occasions you can meet someone like Evan, who has a 3 month rule, no matter how well the relationship is going he’s going to break up with the girl and that’s the position Nicky was in.

Breaking up is hard to do, especially when you’re in love with the person.  Sometimes you know that it should be over and you just wont do it and you need a lil help.  Your help just so happens to be your partner breaking up with you.  I’m sure you wont think it’s a good thing at the time but if it’s a bad relationship the best thing that he/she could do for you is break up with you.  Just always try to look at all the positives in bad situations.

THE BAD

In my opinion, everything about a break up is bad, bad, bad.  There’s nothing good that comes from it,unless you’re the breaker upper.  The worst part of a break up I believe is getting over it.  Your heart will hurt, the tears will fall and you’ll feel like the world is ending, just as Quincy did in the movie.  The only thing that can heal a heart is one or two things; time or another person (I suggest the first one).

The more time that passes the better you’ll feel about it and eventually you’ll begin to forget about the other person.  That is until you remember what they did to make you laugh, the way they made love to you, they way they smelled, their smile.  Eventually time will take care of those things too, you’ll always remember but it’ll begin to hurt a little less.

I don’t recommend getting another person right away (especially for us women) because if you think about it all we’ll be doing is trying to replace the person who just left you and you can’t replace a person with a different person.  When you leave them, you’ll still be thinking about your ex.  It only helps for the moment, you have to ask yourself how you’ll feel afterwards.  This is why I say we women will have a hard time using this method because it’s extremely hard for us have disconnected sex with men, we’ll end up getting hurt all over again.  So just give it some time.

THE OOOOOGLY

Now depending on a person’s situation this can go from a horrible curse out to someone ending up dead.  Let Tony come over here and unexpectedly break up with me.  It’s going to end ooooogly because if you hurt me, I’m going to try my hardest to hurt you as well.  I’m going to attempt to whoop his ass, even though one of his biceps is half the size of my thigh.  I can’t beat that man,but I’m going to sure as hell give it a try.

Sometimes people take it a step further, busting out window, slashing tires and I’m sure you’ve heard this line before…….”If I can’t have you than no one can.” That’s when keeping it real goes wrong as hell and people do dumb stuff. Snapped on The Oxygen Network is one of my favorite shows and you think about it, most of those murders happen because the woman didn’t know how to break up with her husband and/or money was involved.  For those of you who’ll take it that far, I suggest you get a copy of Quincy’s book and some mental help before you’re the next person I see on Snapped.

There’s no good way to break up with someone.  I say forget the games and the so called rules and just be as honest as possible to your partner because the more honest and straight forward you are with the person the less of a response you may get.  Why?  Because he or she maybe so shocked by what just came out of your mouth that they’ll probably just sit there and look at you for a couple of minutes.  You better be a smart person and get the hell up out of there before they realize what you just said.  People expect people to lie and make excuses when it comes to situations such as this so they already know their reaction but if you do the unexpected they won’t know how to react.

If you’re in the process of wanting to break up with someone, watch this movie first (it might help) and just try to do it as respectful as possible……Good Luck!

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Love, Peace and Freakiness!

R.L. Wynder

ART IMITATES LIFE SERIES

SOMETHING NEW PART II

Hi guys and welcome back to my second installment of the Art Imitates Life Series.  Today’s inspiration comes from the movie Something New, starring Sanaa Lathan and Simon Baker.  If you’ve been with me since the beginning of this blog I’m sure you’ll recall my first blog Something New, if not you can check it out here.  I decided to do a part II to tackle the actual issue of interracial dating first hand.  The first blog was about my something new, dating an older man so I decided to watch the movie again to put it in perspective for everyone.

I’m sure most of you have seen it and right off the bat it reminded me of the 1967 film Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner starring Sidney Poitier but in reverse.  Sanaa’s character Kenya was the one from a wealthy family while her love interest Brian was a hard working landscaper who happened to be white.  Kenya’s friend decides to hook her up on a blind date which was immediately ended as soon as she discovered he was white.  Kenya leaves Starbucks leaving Brian long behind her, or that’s what she thought until she hires a landscaper who turns out to be him.  Through out the many weeks Brian spent at her house working on her back yard, she finally falls for him until he starts asking questions about her weave (LOL, that was the funniest scene ever).  She overreacts and kicks him out, begins dating a black man (that fine Blair Underwood) until she realizes she’s not happy with the successful, handsome and probably hung black man.  Because that’s not who her heart wanted, her heart wanted Brian, the white man she was too embarrassed to be with, the one her mom didn’t accept.  We all know what happens, she ends up following her heart to be Brian.

That was a really short version of the movie but through out it Kenya dealt with her own issues as well as society’s issues and a lot of times when people are faced with those dilemmas society usually wins and that’s not fair to yourself.  Now I’ve never personally dated outside of my race but I don’t have anything against it.  Maybe society has secretly hypnotized me to believe that I’m supposed to be with a black man, I don’t know.  I do find other races attractive but I’ve never ventured outside of my race and I believe that more men venture outside of their race than women.  Why?  Because for men to be with someone outside of their race it becomes exotic, it’s a fantasy, it’s something out of the norm to them that they want to conquer.  Men also have a lot to look at, they can see the size of her breast, her ass, her face, her hair, sometimes even the size of her vajussy that makes them want to be with a woman.  When women look at men we see his face, arms, sometimes chest.  We can’t see the real money maker which is in his pants, we can’t see his penis to be like yeah he can get it.  We have to wait to come say hi, meet and greet before we find out what’s in the pants to make us instantly say yes he can get it, but you men can stand from across the room and say yes I’ll fuck her.  Let’s be real, a man is only interested in a woman that he wants to fuck.  The only time a woman can look at a man from across the room and say I’ll fuck him is if he’s fine as hell.  So it’s easier for a man to date outside their race, they don’t see race they see ass.

Interracial dating has been a serious issue for as long as many of you can remember and that’s because racism is still very much alive.  I’ll tell you this because I’m always honest with you all, the only time I’ve ever felt some type of way about interracial dating is when it’s a man that I could possibly be interested in.  If you’re ugly and not my type I don’t give a crap who you’re with, but I don’t hate and I say to each it’s own.  She just got to him before I did, good for you! LOL.  This is what does anger me, when I come across black men who say and believe “I don’t date black women because they don’t know how to treat a man like a white woman does.”  That seriously angers me because you’re putting all of us in a box, we all aren’t the same.  It’s the type of women you’ve attracted that don’t know how to treat a man, get a different type of black woman and I guarantee you that black woman will treat you good.

Whoever you decide to be with no matter race, sex, or age you have to do what makes YOU happy because you know what, when you go home and lay down in your bed there’s only one person laying beside you not the entire world.  You must learn how to be comfortable with your decision and not allow others to dictate how you feel or what you should do.  Your happiness should be the only thing that’s important to you.  For a couple of months I was embarrassed to be with a 46 year old man, but that man is fine, he treats me good and he makes me happy so what the hell was I embarrassed for?

If you’re not comfortable with it, believe me the relationship will not work.  I know plenty of interracial couples who’s relationships ended just because of the looks people gave them, the whispers they’ve heard, the junk their friends were talking.  Like I told you before don’t let other people in your relationship, it’s just you and partner.  Maybe you don’t need to be in an interracial relationship if you can’t handle the pressures that come along with it, because people are going to talk (it may not be right but it’s going to happen).  Love should be enough, the love you have for someone should be way stronger than some outside talk.  If you let something as small as that dictate your relationship than you should stick with your own race.

For those of you who throw out the outlandish comments and are advocates for hate.  Go get a life, find something constructive to do and leave them alone.  If its something you seriously, seriously hate to see, do me a favor……just think about the love of your life (no matter what color) and imagine if the world didn’t want you to be together and said every hurtful thing possible to break you up and you fell into it.  Wouldn’t you be sad, upset and hurt?  Why would you want anyone else to feel your pain?  It always helps when you place your feet in the other person’s shoes, if the world thought that way we would have peace but unfortunately it doesn’t.

Good luck to all my interracial couples out there!  Keep your head up!

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Love, Peace and Freakiness!

R.L. Wynder

ART IMITATES LIFE SERIES

THE BEST MAN


Hi guys!!! Today will be my first installment of what I like to call Art Imitates Life, with a Risque twist.  Let me explain exactly what I’m talking about.  Most of you know that my main income comes from the world of television and film and I love to write and produce so much that when ever I get the opportunity to combine the two, I do.

I always think a person can learn so much from films when it comes to any aspect in life, especially with relationships.  Last night I watched The Best Man, which is a movie from the male’s prospective on relationships and how the four best friends from college view women (I think we’ve all seen the movie, if not I suggest you watch it).  I believe its really important for women to understand men and vice versa because it’s true what they say “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.”  Besides talking to my good males friends watching movies is another method I use to understand my opposite necessity.

There was one really important scene in the movie that gave me 5 blog ideas.  Do you remember the scene when the guys were in the hotel room playing cards and chatting about women?  If not after reading this put that DVD in watch that one scene.   I couldn’t just choose one of the topics so I have to hit all of them.

MEASURING UP

Taye Digg’s character Harper Stewart, the successful writer who causes most of the drama throughout the movie, is labeled a serial monogamist, meaning he always has a girlfriend and remains faithful to her BUT has been afraid to take it to the next level, marriage.  One of his boys was quick to point out the reasoning behind Harper’s serial monogamist activities, he assumed it’s because no other woman has measured up to Jordan Armstrong (Nia Long’s character), who by the way was never his girlfriend.  I know that most of us have been guilty of this at some time in our lives (even me).

How do I feel about this whole concept?  Waiting on the right one because you’re still hooked on someone else.  I look at that as an excuse to keep doing what you’re doing.  In my case, what I was doing was remaining single because somewhere in the back of my mind I felt like something could possibly still pop off between the two of us and I wanted to be available just in case something did.  The other side of it is that when I leave one person you better believe it’s going to be an upgrade in every aspect, why leave one person just to go to someone on a lower level?  That doesn’t make sense to me.

The down side to holding on to someone who isn’t holding on to you is that your blinders are on and you can’t see the person that’s been standing directly beside you the entire time, having your back and supporting you through all of your bullshit.  It took something drastic to happen (Harper getting his ass whopped) before he realized he needed Robin (Sanaa Lathan’s character).  I guess Lance (Morris Chestnut’s character) beat the blinders off his ass and he was finally able to see Robin the person who was beside him the entire time .

I’ve been on both sides of this and let me tell you it doesn’t feel good to be the one standing by someone who isn’t even looking at you.   But let me tell you I now have 3 ex’s wishing they could have another chance with me because they just now took their blinders off, sorry I’m taken.

Guys do me a favor and if you’re the one holding on to someone who doesn’t want you, pull your blinders off and take a look at the person standing next to you, they just might be the one.  Don’t wait until something horrible happens to you before you realize that’s who you want.  If you’re the one supporting a person who’s still holding on, leave them because you know what?  They’ll be back!  Believe me!

GOLD DIGGERS VS. WOMEN

Now this one is a bit tricky but it made perfectly good sense when Murch said it in the movie.  Lance made the comment that his fiancé’s place was right at home cooking and cleaning.  He then took it a step further and said a woman like Jordan (successful & making bank) doesn’t need a man and she’s one step from being a lesbian…..really?

I take offense to that because in a way I am Jordan.  She was a producer for BET, had a mind of her own, and did whatever it took to make it to the top, with hard work and not by spreading her legs.  Before getting with Tony I was in a similar position as Jordan.  What was I supposed to do play damsel in distress until some man came along and decided to take care of me?  Hell no!  My mother taught me how to take care of myself with or without a man.  Just because Jordan and I are strong independent women doesn’t mean we don’t have a softer side to us that we preserve just for our man.  We cook, we clean, we love and we fuck just like any gold digger; but the only difference is that we’re also bringing a little dough to the table, maybe just as much as you.  Which is another issue because a lot of men have a problem with their women bringing more money home, but the good thing about Tony is that he loves money just as much as he loves me and I’m sure even more.

After Lance made that outlandish, barbaric comment Murch says something very smart.  He says: “Why is it that men who want women to stay at home are always talking about gold diggers but can’t take a woman who works and possibly make more money than them.”

Men if you think about it most of you want a gold digger but don’t even know it.  When you’re at the club making it rain on them hoes, when you pull up in your too expensive car and unaffordable rims, when you buy an entire Gucci outfit just for one night you’re doing all of that just for women, not for yourself.  If you were doing it for yourself, you would catch a ride to the club, drink before you come and wear a wife beater, jeans and your air force ones.  I say that to say, all of that supposedly shows how much money you have and that’s the first thing you want a woman to see, so obviously that’s the first thing she sees and becomes attractive to.

Here’s a hint men, if you want a real woman, start off by saying, hello miss, how are you?  Start having a conversation with her before you pull out your wad of money and if she gives you some attention THEN you offer to buy her a drink.  That’s when you know she’s talking to you because she’s interested in you and not because she wants a drink.  Let me be the first to admit, if you present a drink to me 1st then that’s all I want from you because I don’t deal with men I meet in a club they’re only good for one thing and that’s buying me a drink.  That’s the only time I play the gold digging role, I guess you can call it drink digging because I don’t pay for drinks when I go out.

Let me also say to you men who present their money before anything else, most of you are insecure and believe that’s the only way you can get a woman.  Grow some fucking balls, if not, you’re going to keep running into those gold diggers and mess around and marry one of them and as soon as you loose your money they’ll be out.  I stated what I said above about you men because that came straight from my honey’s mouth, besides the fact he presented his money to me.  I took advantage and brought the most expensive meal on the menu because I never planned on seeing him again.  Until I got to know him, now I wouldn’t leave that man if he was broke or in jail because I love him past his money.

MONOGOMY/ FORGIVENESS

Through out this movie Lance, the groom was known to be a little of a ladies man.  He’s been caught numerous of times cheating on Mia, his girlfriend during their college days.  Each time he got caught, he begged his way right back in and Mia forgave him.  About 85% of all women who catch their man cheating, forgives them.  As soon as Lance found out that Mia cheated on him years ago he was ready to throw it all away.  Forgetting about the many times he’s broken her heart, cheating on her with nameless hoes.

Men I have two questions for you.  Why is monogamy so hard for you?  AND.  Why is it so hard for you to forgive?  Everything is so fucking hard for you men.  Why?  You don’t have babies, you don’t bleed from your penis every month, you don’t go through hormonal changes as much as us women.  So, what the fuck is the proble?  Why is everything so freaking hard for you guys?  Believe me, I will be asking Tony these same questions but I already know his answers.

When it comes to being in a monogamist relationship and forgiving, I ask you men to place yourselves in our shoes.  How would you feel if we did to you what you do to us.  I’m not bitter because I haven’t really caught any of my men cheating on me (what I don’t know won’t hurt me).  I’m just a really firm believer in treating people the way you want to be treated.

Why are you strong enough and bad enough to fuck around on your woman but not MAN enough to forgive her for the same shit she forgave you for.  Now I know men aren’t the only cheaters we women cheat too but you rarely have to forgive us because we rarely get caught.  It’s unfair to ask her to do something for you that you won’t do for her, relationships aren’t supposed to be one sided and neither is forgiveness.

Tony and I have spoken about cheating on one another, we’re both realists and neither one of us condone each other to cheat on one another but we also know if we really want to do it, we can and we will.  He told me he’ll be extremely hurt and will possibly cry if I gave another man head…..LOL I laughed so hard.  He feels like that’s more intimate.  I’m sorry but anything sexual between a man and a woman is intimate to me so I prefer you to do nothing!

Enough ranting about you men and your barbaric ways of thinking.  I just ask for both men and women to be considerate of each other’s thought process and why we do certain things.  We women definitely think differently from men and vice versa.  You’ll have a better understanding of your partner and why he or she does certain things.  For instances, if I leave Tony today he’ll probably be sad but he’s not going to run after me because he doesn’t get too attached to people because he’s lost 3 siblings.  That has nothing personally do with me.  He believes all women are a certain way because of how certain women in his life are.  It’ll take a while for him to change the way he thinks but I need to be patient and understanding as he needs to be the same with me.  Just try it, I’ll promise you it’ll help your relationship.

So what have we learned from The Best Man?  1. Don’t stay too caught up on an ex.  That person is in the past and if preventing you from seeing the person right beside you.  2. Men figure out what type of woman you really want, a woman or a gold digger and start presenting yourself properly for one you want.  Women don’t alter your style just because the majority of men want a certain woman.  Meaning don’t become the woman who spreads her legs just to get what you want just because you see others benefiting from doing that.  Stay true to yourself.  3. Treat others the way you want to be treated.  Don’t go cheating on your partner if you don’t want them doing the same to you.  Be understanding of your partner’s feelings and try and figure out the root of their actions.  Remember to forgive as much as you want to forgive.

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Love, Peace, and Freakiness

R.L. Wynder